Fun with Naruto!
by Pepper Gem
Summary: At 6:00 one sugar-filled morning, after having stayed up the entire night, I asked myself a question: What would happen if you poked all of the Naruto characters? If you offered them free massages? If you sold them Girl Scout Cookies?
1. POKEED!

FUN WITH NARUTO : THE POKE!

Ever wondered what would happen when you poke a Naruto character? A Jounin sensei? An Akatsuki member? Well, this one's for you!! swings arm cheesily

You poke Uzumaki Naruto

"Say, what was that for?!" he asks you.

"I just felt like poking someone!"

"NO ONE POKES THE FUTURE HOKAGE!!"

"…"

"My name is Naruto Uzumaki, believe it! I AM going to be the Hokage, and Hokages don't get poked!! Believe it believe it believe it!!"

"I believe it, all right, that you're on the fast track to failure if you can't take a joke-I-mean-poke..."

Both you and Naruto get in a fight. He uses his sexy jutsu on you.

"Dude, I'm a girl. Girls aren't fazed by that."

"Oh. Right."

"Yeah. 'Oh'. I look forward to seeing you become Hokage one day!!"

You quickly run off before he summons his shadow clones...

You poke Uchiha Sasuke

-silence-

Sasuke creates a gaggy face, twitching his eyes and shaking a fist at you.

"How the heck will I defeat my brother if I can be poked so easily?!"

An emo cloud hovers over Sasuke as he sulks, wondering if he's actually not as strong as he thought. After a while, he smirks.

"I need to train to get stronger at any cost!!" he yells. "Even if it means handing myself over to evil!"

And THAT is why Sasuke went to Orochimaru.

You poke Haruno Sakura

"Hey!" she snaps at you. "You poked me!"

"No duh!" you say.

-Inner Sakura- "Who does this smart-alec think she is?! Hell yeah, I'm gonna kill her!!"

-Outer Sakura- twitches and cracks her knuckles "Hey, wanna meet up later?"

(DOOMED.)

You poke Hatake Kakashi

"You didn't do it right," was his response.

"What do you mean?" you ask.

"If you're going to poke someone...POKE them!"

He zooms behind you and forms the Tora handsign with his hands.

"One thousand years of death!!"

-You lie on the ground, in a lot of pain-

"And that is how you poke someone! Get it? GOT it? Koo!" Kakashi holds a thumbs-up in the air and smiles.

You poke Yuuhi Kurenai

"Uhh…" she stares at you. You find yourself in a genjutsu with your head being eaten by a giant plant.

You poke Aburame Shino

He simply looks at you, expressionless as usual. You can't tell what he's thinking behind those dark glasses. His eyebrows are at ease; his mouth isn't frowning; he looks as if nothing has happened to him.

You suddenly gasp for breath amidst your confusiasm. Insects have crawled into your windpipe and stopped you from breathing…

You poke Inuzuka Kiba

"Hey! Who do you think you are, poking me like that? Akamaru! Sic 'em!"

He feeds Akamaru a food pill. Akamaru grows to a huge size and bites off your head.

"Bark, bark, woof!" Akamaru whines.

"What is it, Akamaru?" Kiba asks his precious dog. "Those bones are too small for you to chew on? Aw, I knew this was gonna happen…"

You poke Hyuuga Hinata

"Umm…uhh…" she mumbles, uncomfortably staring at the finger that poked her. No words come from her mouth. She tries to ignore you by turning around and pretending it never happened…then, she's tempted to ask why you poked her but is too shy, and with all of these thoughts rushing through her head, she becomes dizzy and faints.

"Maybe I went a little too far?" you wonder.

You (attempt to) poke Sarutobi Asuma

Before your finger even manages to touch him, he's already got you by the throat and is threatening you with a knife.

"Tell me why…or else," he says, taking a puff of his cigarette.

You're so shocked that you remain silent. Soon he completely forgets that you're there, and when his students call him over, he drops you to the ground.

"Troublesome…" he mumbles under his breath.

Meanwhile, you're sitting against a wall, hyperventilating and thanking the Lord that he didn't kill you.

You poke Nara Shikamaru while he watches the clouds

His eyes slowly turn to look at you.

"Ah, another troublesome girl!" he whines. "Stop poking me! Agh, what a drag!!"

"Never!!" you continue to poke him.

He uses his Shadow Possession jutsu on you to stop you. Your arms are suddenly raised above your head against your will…and you make an 'M' symbol this way. Then he flips your hands outward. _Then_, he does a backflip: he flips smoothly back onto the roof on which he was previously sleeping, and you, well…you flip over the railing and die this way.

"A ninja must take his surroundings into perspective…Such a drag…" Shikamaru whines and goes back to watching the clouds. "Do clouds get poked, I wonder?"

You poke Akimichi Chouji

"Ah, the room service has arrived! Where are my hamburgers?" he demands.

-silence-

You slowly back out of the room. Chouji chases you ALL OVER Konoha, continuing to demand that you stop and give him the flippin' hamburgers!

You poke Yamanaka Ino

"OMGFLABBERSHNAFFLE!!" she yells meaningless words. "What the yo!?"

"I'm pwnsum, I know!"

She draws back a fist and, with a fake smile, proceeds to punch the crap out of you.

You poke Maito Gai

"Please realize that what you did was absolutely AWESOME," he commends you, "And also realize my handsome manly features!"

-you quickly leave the room, and you just happen to be heading _west_-

"Yes, that's right!" he yells to no one in particular. "Spread the incredible pokular youthfulness, RUN TOWARD THAT SETTING SUN and SUFFERRRRRRR!!"

(Pokular youthfulness XD)

You poke Rock Lee

"That was so awesome! I admire you so much! Not as much as Gai-sensei, of course, but please! To further my training, poke me as hard as you can! Put some youth into it - into each and every poke! Make it hurt! No pain, no gain!"

You poke Lee again as hard as you can.

He hops up and down, joyfully

"Again, again! This must be the power of youth! WOOHOO!! Gai-sensei! If only you were here to experience this incredible pokular youthfulness!"

You twitch as you realize how alike Gai and Lee are…

After he's satisfied (and majorly bruised), 2,000 pokes later, you frantically leave the room and pray that you'll never have to come back.

You poke Tenten

Being the cute awesome normal girl that she is, she pokes you back, and you both kinda start wrestling in an attempt to poke each other's faces. This goes on for a while, causing a lot of laughs.

You poke Hyuuga Neji

-His eyes become all shaded and he looks at the ground-

"Destiny brought this day forth, and there's nothing I could've done to prevent it. I was destined to be poked today – I was born with this destiny – and surely, this fate of mine was to come true whether I wanted it to or not. If I had tried to resist my pre-determined fate, it would've been futile. Therefore, I thank you, for carrying out the will of the force that is beyond our power to control," Neji bows deeply before walking off.

You cry as this was a very heartfelt speech.

You poke Umino Iruka

"OMG I'M SENDING YOU BACK TO THE ACADEMY!!"

You: Oo'

You poke Mitarashi Anko

She twitches angrily and her face becomes fierce…

You take this as a warning and quickly run away, with Anko madly chasing after you.

"Come back here, you little maggot!! I've got a_ present_ for you!!"

You poke Morino Ibiki

He begins to speak things that utterly confuse your mind, causing you to slowly eat away at your personality, saneness and overall being with mental torture; sending you into a great dark abyss that seems inevitably inescapable.

You poke the 1st Hokage

If he was in a good mood, he'd smile and laugh.

If he was in a bad mood, he'd summon a giant forest and have a few random branches strangle you to death.

You poke the 2nd Hokage

If he was in a good mood, he'd also smile and laugh.

If he was in a bad mood, he'd summon a humungous amount of water and drown you to death.

You poke the 3rd Hokage

"Heheh, well done child, but I think you need to hear something from a good friend of mine."

He invites Kakashi into the room.

"You didn't do it right," he says, after seeing you perform the same poke on the Hokage again.

"What did I do wrong?" you ask.

"If you're going to poke someone...POKE them!"

He zooms behind you and forms the Tora handsign with his hands.

"One thousand years of death!!"

-You lie on the ground, in a lot of pain-

"And that is how you poke someone! Get it? GOT it? Koo!" Kakashi holds a thumbs-up in the air and smiles.

Dejavu...

You poke the 4th Hokage

If he was in a good mood, he'd give laugh, give a huge grin and pat you on the head.

If it's during his ramen time...O.O

He slowly turns from his precious lunch with a combination of pure muderous intent and an evil glare that rivaled that of the Kyuubi - and Tobi's face if you steal his cookie.

-you run faster than humanly possible to the Wave Country to escape-

Suddenly, a kunai pierces the ground before you and, with a loud 'RASENGAN' shout hurling through the air, you find yourself being swirled over to the Star country - not just the real country, but you also see stars in your head as the impact knocked you dizzy...

You poke the 5th Hokage

"OMGNESSLYNESS!!" Tsunade yells and kicks you to high heaven.

"WWWAAAAAAAAAaaaaa!" your voice fades into the distance and you eventually disappear from sight.

You poke Jiraiya

(assuming you're a girl…)

"Hey, baby!!" he puts on his most charming voice and laughs. "I sure wouldn't mind if you poked me somewhere else…"

You poke Zabuza's back

He turns his head and looks at you from the corner of his eye, takes out his gigantic sword and slices you in half. Before you know what hit you (erm, killed you), you're drinking tea with Haku in heaven!!

You (attempt to) poke Gaara

His sand protects him from your pwnsum poke.

He holds up his hand and, with a clutching motion, commands the sand to surround you with Desert Coffin and kills you with Desert Burial.

That was short-lived...

You poke Temari

WHOOSH she blows you away with her fan. You disappear in an instant.

"No one mocks me!!" she shook the dust off of her hands.

You poke Kankuro

He smirks and unwraps his puppet, Karasu. "I wanna have some fun!"

The puppet sits on the ground, its torso opening up to reveal an empty space.

"Here!" Kankuro throws some doughnuts into the body of the puppet.

"Ooo!" you say as you chase after them. "Doughnuts!!"

You sit inside the puppet and eat one. The torso closes on you, trapping you.

With chakra strings, Kankuro pulls the arms and legs out of the puppet. From within these limbs slide out razors and knives, which he sticks back into the holes where the limbs were once attached – killing you.

OWNED

AND NOW WE MOVE INTO AKATSUKI!!

You poke Uchiha Itachi

He stares at you coldly with his Mangekyo Sharingan, sucks you into the Tsukuyomi world and tortures you for 72 hours straight – 70 Itachis, all stabbing you…

You poke Hoshigaki Kisame

"Heh," he laughs evilly, "You've angered me. You know what happens then?"

You: O.O (you think "I seriously need to get paid more for this!!")

"Umm…no?" you reply.

"Your feet get cut off, then your legs, then your hands, then your arms, and finally, your head!!" he smirked.

You: _**O.O**_

Kisame grabs the handle of his giant sword, Samehada, and slowly inches toward you.

You poke Deidara

"Hm?" he looks at you. "You've got strong fingers. Here, you look like you'd be good at it, hmp."

He tosses you a ball of clay and urges you to mold something out of it.

Once you do, you're left with a demented figure that looks like the twelve zodiac animals combined.

Deidara laughs his head off. "Well, even though you're not the best, detonating it's the best part!"

He sticks your creation to your face and says "Katsu!" which triggers the detonation.

You poke Sasori

He gives you a bored look and summons a giant puppet. "Those who poke me face a certain fate...one of long, painful deaths…"

The puppet sits on the ground, its torso opening up to reveal an empty space.

"Here!" Sasori throws some doughnuts into the body of the puppet.

"Ooo!" you say as you chase after them. "Doughnuts!!"

You sit inside the puppet and eat one. The torso closes on you, trapping you.

With chakra strings, Sasori pulls the arms and legs out of the puppet. From within these limbs slide out razors and knives covered in the poison he developed himself, which he sticks back into the holes where the limbs were once attached – killing you.

You poke Tobi

"ZOMG!" Tobi says happily with little hearts floating around his head. He hugs you and then pokes you back.

"Tobi is a good boy!" You both have poking wars, even more fun than the poking wars with Tenten!

You poke Zetsu

One half of him gets mad at you, the other half enjoys the poke and laughs.

Because their thoughts on the matter differed, they began arguing, until both Zetsu entities decided they were hungry.

"Uh-oh…" you say, noticing that hungry look in his eye…

You sneak up behind and attempt to poke Orochimaru

Right before your fingertip touches Orochimaru, he vanishes. The next thing you know, he's standing behind you, holding your hand and your poking finger to your head.

"Tell me why you were about to poke me or else I'll have you suffer by making you poke yourself!!"

You poke Pein

He makes it rain on your head and laughs with amusement, poking you back super-hard. You pass out from the pain…or shall I say, pein…

You poke Konan

She sweat-drops because it's so random, and flies away on origami wings to go think out to herself WHY she had been poked.

You poke Kakuzu

He quickly stares you in the eye, grinning widely. Using strange threads that emerge from his arms, he removes your heart and patches it to his back. Then, he sells your dead body on eBay, anticipating the large amount of money he would soon reap in.

You poke Hidan (BIG MISTAKE)

"…………………………………………"

His infuriated eyes meet with yours.

"BLANK-BLANKEDY-BLANK-BLEEEEEEEEEP!!" he yells and charges after you. You try to run away, but his fast-walking skills are just so pwnsome, so he catches up with you and decapitates you with his large scythe and uses you as his next sacrifice to Jashin.

You poke the credits

Nothing happens. OMG how can this be?


	2. Akatsuki: Do YOU want a FREE MASSAGE!

FUN WITH NARUTO (Actually, Akatsuki) #2 – DO YOU WANT A FREE MASSAGE

OK, so! After the poking adventure with Akatsuki, you somehow come back to life time and time again. After the pokularness, there you sit on the floor of a circular, spacious dark cave with scattered rooms carved in the rock. Akatsuki has already forgotten entirely about the random girl that decided to poke them only an hour earlier and has continued life without you... You think for a moment that, because of their dramatic ways of killing you before, they must be at least a _little_ tired!

"Maybe I should offer them a _**FREE**_ _**MASSAGE!**_" you think (rationally deciding that they probably won't kill you if they're tired. But then again, you never know), doubting your massage abilities for a moment, but soon regaining strength and confidence to face your tired foes.

Feeling absolutely fine, you stand up and walk over to the first jagged rock opening and enter the candle-lit room.

"Hm?" Itachi looks at you from his position lying down on his bed. He cracks his neck as he sits up.

"Hi, Itachi! Do _you_ want a _**FREE**_ _**MASSAGE?!**_" you ask in an unusually random, cheery tone of voice.

He instantly recognizes you. "Hell no!"

Breathing heavily with exhaustion from extreme chakra loss the last time around, he activates his Mangekyo Sharingan and tries to meet his gaze with yours.

Just in time, you look away and avoid his Tsukuyomi attack. "HAHA, I WIN!! Oh burn!"

Itachi cocks his head at this immature reaction of yours. _So…Childish…_ he thinks. _But, is not the phrase…'If you can't beat them, join them'?_

"Hey, look!" he says, 'surprised', ingeniously trying his aim at a childish prank.

"Ooo, more doughnuts?!"

You fall for his trick and stare him in the eye, as one would when someone says 'LOOK!' allowing you to see where the mystery object resides.

It took a little longer than would normally for you to be sucked away into the Tsukuyomi world. You experience déjà vu – those 70 Itachis, carrying knives and swords, all surround you again – but before any of their blades can pierce your skin for 72 hours straight, all of the Itachis fall over onto the dead black grass of that world.

"I don't feel like stabbing again today…my shoulders are sore from the last time," one Itachi said, sticking his sword into the ground.

"Yeah, 72 hours is a little draining when you haven't done it in a while," another replied.

They all agreed with each other and caught sweet Z's on the ground, resting their tired bodies.

"Hey, guys!" you say with that stupid tone of voice again, grabbing their attention.

"Hm?" they all look at you with bored, tired expressions.

"Do _you_ want a _**FREE**_ _**MASSAGE?!**_"

Because it was out of character for the Itachi entity to agree so quickly, some silence follows as they debate whether they want this massage or not.

"I suppose," the real Itachi amongst all the others says wearily, "No one but me will know you're doing so in this world and only a mere second shall have passed in the real world when we get back."

So, you massage 70 Itachis (In _under _72 hours) and, as tired as you are in that world, it was as Itachi said: the moment you arrived back in the real world, only a second had passed and your strength remained as before you were caught.

Itachi roughly kicks you out of the room to make sure that no one would find out about the incident. Because of the power of the kick, you conclude that massaging him 70 times over REALLY brought his strength back. You flew to the other side of the cave!!

You rub your head and stand up again.

"Well, that was interesting."

You walk to the next room over.

"Kisame-san!" you greet him. "Do _you_ want a _**FREE**_ _**MASSAGE?!**_"

He gives you the 'look' and tilts his head. "Hm?" he says, confusiated and startled by your loud voice.

"That's right, I forgot he doesn't have ears to pick my voice up that well. On top of that, his forehead protector is covering the little holes for ears he DOES have…" you think aloud. You cough to clear your voice – although, Kisame DID hear you before…

You shout, "DO _YOU_ WANT A _**FREE**_ _**MASSAGE**__**?!**_"

He breaks out into a fit of evil laughter and mimics your crazy way of asking questions. "_SURE_, I'LL _**TAKE**_THAT _**FREE**_ _**MASSAGE**__**!!**_ BWAHAHAHA!"

He sets Samehada down and, calming his sharkyness, lets you massage him.

"I dare you to massage the sword, it's alive and tired!" Kisame says to you when it's all over with.

"Ok!" you say, cheerfully beginning to massage the strangely shaped sword.

Shark-teeth-like spikes pop out of the place you touched it and stab your hands.

"LYKE OMG OWW!" you yell and begin frantically running around in circles.

Kisame laughs (evilly) _so_ hard that he might as well have that massage over again…this time, on his hurting stomach!

--

"YOU'VE CREATED A TIME PARADOX!!" a random voice by the name of Masashi Kishimoto screams from the air, "YOU CAN'T _DO_ THAT! HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO MASSAGE THE REST OF THEM IF YOUR HANDS ARE _SEVERELY INJURED_?!"

You yell back, "YOU LET ME_ DIE_ IN THE LAST '_FUN WITH NARUTO'_!! THAT'S NOT A TIME PARADOX BUT _THIS_ _IS_?!"

"_YEAH_, BECAUSE YOU DYING AND RANDOMLY COMING BACK TO LIFE IS _FUNNY_!!"

You give nothing in particular a cold stare. "Oh, gee, _thanks_…"

You're whisked away to the point in time where Kisame asks you to massage the sword.

--

"No!" you reply and fold your arms.

"Fine, suit yourself," Kisame pouts and shoos you out of the room. You leave before he and his living sword chase after you. "Drat, that would've been hilarious," he says to himself when you're gone.

You happily trot over to the next room.

"Tobi!!" you greet him, "Do _you_ want a _**FREE**_ _**MASSAGE?!**_"

Cute little hearts start floating around him. "YAY!!" he shouts delightedly, "But not until I've massaged you first!!" He runs over to you and hugs you REALLY hard.

An hour or two later, after Tobi had taken his sweet old time to give you the best massage he could've delivered, you give _him_ one.

"You're really good, your name here - san!" he smiles (even though you can't see it under his mask) and hugs you again. You remember the rest of the Akatsuki members and proceed to leave the room, waving him goodbye.

"No! Don't go!!" he starts to cry.

"Tobi-kun, I'll be back soon!" you assure him. He salutes his hand to his forehead and nods.

"Ok!"

You walk over to the next room.

"Deidara! Do _you_ want a _**FREE**_ _**MASSAGE?!**_"

He sweat-drops and stares at you strangely because you _completely_ _scared _the_ crap_ out of him - which is oddly out of character for a guy that works with large-scale explosives.

"A massage, hm?"

"Yup!" you smile.

"Hmmm…" he rubs his chin. "Fine by me, un."

When you're all done, you sense he's holding in laughter.

"What's so funny?" you ask.

"How about you let me massage _you_, hmm?"

"OK!" you sit down. Another free massage! How awesomely pwnful is that?!

He continues struggling not to laugh and sits behind you, laying his hands on your shoulders.

Suddenly, you hold your breath and stiffen as you feel something _strange_ where his hands have touched you…

"U-u-umm…" you manage to say despite your shock, "S-s-something_ licked_ me…and something_ else__** bit**_ me…"

Finally, he breaks out into a fit of laughter and has great difficulty stopping.

"Hahah! Couldn't resist seeing your reaction, hmm!"

He holds his hands in front of your face to show you. On his hands are…well, strange little mouths.

You make a gaggy face and start twitching all over.

Once he calms down, he has a mouth spit out a little ball of clay. He secretly molds a butterfly out of it and sticks it on your back, whilst trying to give you a massage with just his fingers…

"Uhh, thanks, Dei-san!" you bow and leave the room.

"Oh, I can't wait!! Kisame-no-danna will be so proud of me, hmm!!" he thinks as you shut the door.

You walk into the next room.

"Sasori!!"

He looks at you unenthusiastically as always.

"Turn around," he spun his finger in a circle as a gesture.

"Why?" you ask.

"Fine, if you won't, I'll make you."

He quickly threw chakra strings at you which soon attached themselves, and as if you were a puppet, he spun you around to face the other way.

"I don't see a bomb on you, so I guess it's ok," Sasori moans. The little clay figure is actually stuck under the collar of your shirt. "He never fails to send a bomb with everyone who comes in here!"

Eavesdropping from the room beside Sasori's, Deidara commands the butterfly to drop to the ground and quickly scurry over to him. Sasori somehow didn't notice the little clay figure come from behind.

"Katsu!" Deidara whispers as the command to detonate the bomb.

BOOM

Sasori is blown to the ground.

"It worked!!" Deidara exclaims as he runs into the room. "For the first time! How did you like my art this time, Sasori-no-danna, hmm?!" he says teasingly.

"Pretty darn bad!" Sasori mutters and examines the hole in his hollow puppet-torso. "That's not art, art is eternal! It doesn't explode!"

"The _artistic_ thing about the _art_ is the _artful_ 'BANG' it makes, hmp!!" Deidara shouts, trying to finally convince Sasori once and for all that _his_ art is superior.

"No, the _artistic_ thing about _art_ is when it _artfully_ enters the hearts of many _artistically-_inclined generations over the years!!"

"Aww…" Deidara whines. He's been pwned by the use of four 'arts' in one sentence instead of three. "Well done, Sasori-no-danna. This is why I admire you, hmp."

Sasori shakes his head. "What do you want?" he asks you.

"Well, this is about what you want," you point a finger into the air. "Sasori, do _you_ want a _**FREE**_ _**MASSAGE?!**_"

"No."

"Well maybe you didn't hear me right. Everyone likes my massages!"

"Still no."

"But-"

"No. I barely have any nerves, anyway. My body is a puppet…my skin is hard; in fact, it isn't even skin. If you'd be kind enough to excuse me, I'm going to switch to a body with…less…holes…"

As you leave the room, you spy Deidara rushing toward you with Kisame.

You plug your ears from all of Kisame's noisy evil laughter…and walk into the next room.

The room is empty.

"Hello?!" you call. "Zetsu-san?!"

Some unidentified plant begins to sprout from the floor of the cave-room.

"It's growing really fast!!" you fret and back off a little.

The two giant leaves dressed in an Akatsuki cloak successfully exit the ground and stand upon it. The leaves grow legs and eventually peel apart to reveal Zetsu's half-black, half-white face and piercing yellow eyes.

"I've been called?" he asks.

"Yeah, Zetsu!" you clear your throat: "Do _you_ want a _**FREE**_ _**MASSAGE?!**_"

He gazes at you with an otherworldly air about him.

"No, I'd rather give you one," one half of him says, as he takes a slow step toward you.

"Yes, yes, I'd like to massage YOU…" the other half says and takes another step.

"You look very…" he licks his lips and takes another step. "Tasty."

**O.o**

"I don't like where this is going!" you scream and run out of the room as fast as possible. Zetsu chases after you with a very hungry look on his face.

"Come back here!"

"NO!!"

"YES!!"

"NEVER!!"

"NOW!!"

"NUUUU!!"

You are chased around the inside perimeter of the cave, and you both continue to run faster and faster. By now, Zetsu's completely lost his mind(s) and you've turned off your brain to focus solely on one basic idea you learned when you were two years old: RUN!!

"Zetsu-san!!" a familiar face comes to the rescue by standing between predator and prey.

"What is it, Tobi?" Zetsu calms down and regains consciousness.

"Do _you_ want a _**FREE**_ _**MASSAGE?!**_"

"I can't eat my subordinate…" Zetsu thinks aloud. "Fine, Tobi."

"YAY!" he tries to hug Zetsu, but Zetsu backs away.

"Be careful or I might accidentally eat you," he warns. This gives you enough time to escape.

You hastily run to the next room and hide there, panting and wiping your forehead.

"That was close…" you sigh a relieved sigh.

"Or was it?" Pein's voice greets you from across the dark room.

"Hi, Pein!!" you suddenly forget your brush with death and put on a huge smile. "Do _you_ want a-"

"Free massage?" he smirks. "I heard you scream this question at Sasori."

"You didn't say it right," you look worriedly at him, "You've completely murdered the question. Come on, do it right this time!"

"Do _you _want a free massage?!" Pein attempts the pwnfulness of it all.

"No, add more 'umph' to the '_**FREE**_ _**MASSAGE**_'!!"

"But I am the Akatsuki leader, I do not fail at anything!" He clears his voice. "Do _you_ want a _**FREE**_ _**MASSAGE?!**_"

"OMG POYFECT!"

"YAY!"

-silence-

"You did not just hear me squeal like a certain Deidara-obsessed fangirl," Pein puts on a more serious face.

"But you did."

-more silence as Pein enters denial-

"HAHAHA!" he laughs sarcastically, making it rain on your head. "OWNAGE!"

"AHHH!" you run from the room crying. "THAT WAS MEAN!!"

Somehow, you manage to dry off completely in a grand total of 3.164265 seconds and enter the next room with that hyper-happy smile on your face.

"Konan!" you greet the only female of Akatsuki, "Do _you_ want a _**FREE**_ _**MASSAGE?!**_"

"Oh, no thanks, I'll pass!" she says gracefully. "But…because you're so nice, here, have a present!"

In the blink of an eye, you discover an origami rose in your hair and uber-complex origami pendants around your neck that almost seem to defy the laws of paper.

"Thank you, Konan-san!" you bow deeply and leave the room, joyfully skipping to the next door.

You enter it to find Kakuzu counting cash.

"Uhh, excuse me?" you say.

"WAHH!!" you startle him. He quickly stashes all the cash into a bag and stuffs it under the bed. "What the heck do you want?!...I thought I sold you on eBay!!"

You pause. "You sold me to Masashi Kishimoto…"

"Drat, I did it again!" he swings his arm which accidentally falls off. He sweat-drops and draws it back to his body with his infamous black strings.

"Kakuzu-"

You discover him poking the origami rose on your head and intently staring at the pendants around your neck.

"Umm…"

"Those _look_ like they're _worth_ a _LOT_…" he mumbles under his breath.

"What did you say?"

"U-um-uhh…I said…a _book_ on a fireplace's _hearth_ gets _HOT_…"

-utter silence for a few moments-

Quite suddenly, Kakuzu takes off your origami rose and pendants and sticks them in the bag he put all the cash in. He scurries over to a wall, opens up a safe with three locks on each of a series of three steel-plated safe doors, chucks the bag in there and closes it.

You sweat-drop as you don't know what other reaction to give.

"Do _you_ want a _**FREE**_ _**MASSAGE?!**_"

Kakuzu pauses. "OMG IT'S FREE?!"

"Yeah!"

"You mean like, you're totally letting me rip you off?!"

"Well…yeah!"

"I don't have to spend a DIME?!"

"Nope!"

"A PENNY?!"

"Nope!"

He eyes you up. "Reaaalllyyy?!"

"Mhm!"

As quickly as he opened that humungous safe, was he enjoying a free massage from you.

And as quickly as THAT happened did he sneak over to the nearest general store when you left the room.

"Only one door left," you look at it with a sense of accomplishment, having braved all of Akatsuki but one.

You enter the room to reveal a strange sight.

"Hm??" you say as you tilt your head. Hidan is lying upon the ground, on top of some odd symbol, holding a knife up to his own chest and engulfing himself in some strange prayer.

He didn't hear you. He's still praying.

You cautiously step over to him, kneel beside him and reach for the knife. "Not safe!" you say as you take it.

-the most utterly uncomfortable, solemn silence follows as Hidan opens his eyes and centers his vision on you-

"Hidan? Do _you_ want a _**FREE**_ _**MASSAGE?!**_"

"OMGRHIOARHFBAHREIEW WHAT THE BLEEPING BEEP!?"

You scurry to the other side of the room and wonder what's _wrong_ with this guy…

"BLANK BLANK BLANKEDY BLANK BLEEP!" he yells. "YOU BLEEPING INTERRUPTED MY RITUAL!!"

"Uhh, sorry?"

He stands up and cracks his knuckles.

An idea comes to you, as you've seen how religious this person is.

"Please_ forgive_ me," you beg. You heard Hidan pray this not too long ago, so you think it might work.

"NOW YOU'RE _MOCKING_ ME!!"

Hidan ever-so-speedily grabs his scythe and chases after you…!!

"WAAAAHHHH!!"

"BLEEEEEEEEEP!!"

"WAAAAAAAAHH!"

You're chased around the inner cave again, with an extremely infuriated scythe-wielding immortal chasing after you.

Had you not hid behind a rock (remember, there's barely any light in here…) he would've killed you by now.

"Where'd she bleeping _go_?!" He marches in your general direction.

"UH-OH" you think as you flee to Kakuzu's empty room.

"What's up, Hidan?" you hear Kakuzu, who's no longer in a rush, shout out to him.

As if his eyes were on fire, Hidan holds his scythe high into the air and announces, "I'm trying to find the annoying beep I thought I killed!!"

Kakuzu leans over to pick up the knife you dropped during your trial of life and death – and throws it at Hidan's uncloaked chest.

You lean against the door and eavesdrop on their interesting activities.

"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!" Hidan yells with all of his strength.

"BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!" Kakuzu shouts back. And, 'tis now Kakuzu that's being chased around the cave.

You exit the room when the noise dies down to discover Hidan missing an arm and a leg and Kakuzu missing an eye…..………………….and they're both sitting up and talking calmly to each other.

"Come here, I'll fix you up," Kakuzu asks Hidan.

"Dude, I can barely move and you expect me to come over to you?!"

"Yeah, one leg's enough!!"

"So! You're without depth perception so you wouldn't sew my body back together the right way anyway!"

"….I hate you!" they fold their arm(s) and give a 'hmp'.

Pein stomps out of his room and takes one look at the two, then takes one look at you.

"What the HECK have you done to my subordinates?! They've never beaten each other up this bad!"

Kakuzu decides to fix Hidan's wounds and, afterwards, goes into his room never to be seen again for the evening. Hidan slowly limps into his own room, too.

Skipping out of his room, Tobi makes his way over to Pein after hearing his voice.

"Leader-sama, do _you_ want a _**FREE**_ _**MASSAGE?!**_"

"No thanks, Ma-I-mean-Tobi….frankly Hidan might need it the most right now."

Before Tobi can skip over to Hidan's room, you stop him.

"I'll do it!" you offer and enter the room yourself.

"What now?!" Hidan yells from his position on the ground.

"Roll over!!" you command him in his own style.

….he does as you say for he is practically defenseless.

"Yay!" you say as you start walking all over his back. "You've just earned yourself a _**FREE**_ _**MASSAGE**_!"

Hidan is silent. "More pain!" he demands.

"Ok!" you start jumping and landing all of your weight on his back.

"That's nice…" he mumbles. You wonder how any human being can possibly take the force, but as your mind is small and it hurts your head to think too hard, you drop the subject and continue jumping as if the man was a trampoline.

Once Hidan is FINALLY calm and sleeping in his room despite his broken back (LOL), you exit the room – to find…Deidara?"

"Help!" he says. "There's _something_ in my room!"

You rush into his room with him…to find Tobi's open arms.

"Deidara-senpai!!" Tobi cries, "C'mon, don't _you_ want a _**FREE**_ _**MASSAGE?!**_"

"No, you little squirt!"

The two make eye contact.

Deidara gives Tobi the evil eye.

One cute little heart starts floating around Tobi.

Deidara furthers the evilness of the evil eye.

And another heart surrounds Tobi.

"Tension…" you say as you back away. "So much tension…"

Deidara molds a Tobi out of clay and brings it to life, punching the Tobi so hard that his head pops off.

By then, you and the real Tobi have escaped to your zone-out worlds filled with massages as the explosive artist's tensionfulness was too much for your little heads to take.

HIDAN'S POV:

"Zomg…" I wake up, discovering I fell asleep on the floor of my room. My back is in extreme pain, but oi, does it feel great!

But….Holy carp!! Did I just…accept a massage?! No, I'm more rebellious than that! I just showed a sign of weakness! OMG JASHIN PLEASE FORGIVE ME! I FAILED TO KILL HER!

-a voice comes into Hidan's head…probably Jashin-

"You know, dear follower, it's never too late," my totally pwnful evil god says to me.

"You're right!!" I reply, grabbing my scythe and attempting to run with a broken back.

YOUR POV:

"There's an extremely infuriated scythe-wielding immortal chasing after me…" you think. "OMG!!"

…………………………………

"_**RRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNN!!"**_

73H 3ND!


	3. Akatsuki again: GIRL SCOUT COOKIES

FUN WITH NARUTO – GIRL SCOUT COOKIES

**FUN WITH NARUTO – KUNOICHI TRACKER COOKIES**

(Konoha's name for Girl Scouts!)

-Outside of the southern wall of Konoha-

"Ahhh…" Pein sat down in the kitchen of his newly prepared spring hideaway. "It's nice to be in a real house with windows for once! That cave was too gloomy!"

"Sasori's spy did a great job finding this place for us, didn't he?" Konan said, staggering down the stairs whilst trying to tie her hair in a bun at the same time. "No one would suspect our living in the forests right outside of the Fire Country's chief shinobi village!"

She marched over to the small machine bearing a digital clock - Pein sighed as he watched her try to figure out the coffee maker.

"Yet somehow, I'm a little concerned for all of you…" he said to no one in particular.

"Ohhh! Now I get it!" Konan screamed and turned her hand into several sheets of paper, using one for a coffee filter. She soon realized that her hand couldn't go back to normal without that sheet of paper…

"Aww…" she whined, impatiently waiting for the coffee to finish.

Pein shook his head. "Exactly."

"Well, it's been a while since I used one of these!"

"Once again, exactly. The homes that 'he' found for the other groups…well…I'm afraid none of my subordinates are used to such luxury, and also, they probably aren't as technologically inclined as to figure out a stove! They might starve!"

"You mean you don't expect them to be able to program even a mere rice cooker?"

"Actually no, I don't."

"Well, if they get too hungry, they'll just eat what they always did at the cave hideout. Fish. They know how to hunt and they know how to cook on a fire…"

-outside of the northern wall of Konoha in a house identical to theirs-

"Kisame?"

A hungry Itachi called for his Akatsuki partner with a confused expression. He felt his hands all over the strange object whose function was to cook rice.

"What is…this? My Sharingan can't analyze it. It appears to be of little threat to us…" Itachi stared into space, for he was, indeed, blind.

"I don't know, Itachi. I believe I saw one once in a curry restaurant, though…" Kisame began to poke random buttons but nothing happened.

"It's a curry maker?"

"Is there such a thing?"

The two paused as their stomachs growled. "Curry sounds good right now…"

Kisame furiously pushed more buttons, and still, nothing happened. "Dastardly thing!!" he yelled and punched a wall to release his fury.

Itachi felt around the object some more and discovered something was loose. "Kisame-san, it grew a tail."

silence

"Itachi-san…that's the plug…it wasn't…plugged in…"

-Outside the western wall of Konoha in yet another identical house-

"Gaara….-snore-…I've got you now!!...-snort and rolls over-…prepare to die, hmm!"

-EXPLODE-

"Hahah, doomed!...-snore-…."

"Deidara!!" Sasori rushed into his room as quickly as he could and shouted in his face.

"No, Sasori, you mustn't capture Gaara…He is my jinchuuriki, hmm…-snore-…"

Sasori slapped his face. "DEIDARA!!"

"WAHH!"

Deidara sat up immediately only to find that he couldn't see, so he blew his hair out of his face. "What's up, Sasori-no-danna?"

"The kitchen exploded, didn't you hear it?! Come on!"

Sasori threw his cloak on and scurried to the kitchen, with Deidara and his messy hair following close behind.

The two stood dumbfounded at the kitchen entrance. Tobi, apron and all, had failed to correctly operate the stove, resulting in an explosion.

"TO-TO-TOBI…!!" Sasori found no words.

"Hmhmhm!" Deidara smiled, "I might get to like this guy after all, hmm! That was an artful explosion. Oops, I forgot another 'un'."

Sasori slowly turned his head and stared Deidara in the eye. "For the LAST TIME, art is something that beautifully and gracefully passes the test of time – it IS NOT something that EXPLODES!"

And the two began arguing about art…again…all the while ignoring Tobi's fatal injuries that he somehow lived from.

-Outside the eastern wall-

"KAKUZU!" Hidan stomped into the kitchen.

"WHAT!" Kakuzu yelled in his face.

The decibel level in this house was so great that it was an amazing feat for the village not to have heard them!

"MAKE ME SOME FREAKING FOOD!"

"NO! HIDAN, YOU MAKE YOUR OWN FOOD!...AND MAKE ME SOME WHILE YOU'RE AT IT!"

"NO!!"

"YES!!"

"I AM NOT MAKING YOU ANY BLEEPING FOOD, BLEEEEP!!"

"THEN I'M NOT MAKING YOU ANY, EITHER!"

"BUT I'M **HUNGRY**!!"

"NO **DUHH**!!"

"FINE, BE THAT WAY! JASHIN WILL CURSE YOU!"

"I WILL STEEALL YOUR HEEAART, EVEN IF JASHIN _DID_ FREEZE IT!"

"I WON'T DIE BY THAT! I CAN LIVE WITHOUT A HEART!!"

"I WON'T DIE BY YOUR THREAT EITHER! JASHIN DOESN'T EXIST!!"

"YEAH HE DOES! JASHIN CURSES THOSE WHO FAIL TO KILL! ANYTHING BUT UTTER DESTRUCTION IS A SIN! YOU BETTER REPENT!"

"NO! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S GOT A _LOT_ OF REPENTING TO DO!"

"I CAN'T REPENT ON AN EMPTY STOMACH!"

"ME NEITHER!!"

"SHEEESH, YOU HAVE CAPS LOCK ISSUES!"

"LIKE YOU'RE THE ONE TO TALK!!"

"WELL AT LEAST I DON'T COMPLETELY MASK MY FACE, SAVE EVERY PENNY I FIND ON THE GROUND AND KILL EVERY AKATSUKI PARTNER I'VE _EVER HAD_!"

"WELL AT LEAST I DON'T PRAY EVERY FLIPPING FIVE SECONDS TO A NECKLACE, STAB MYSELF AT NIGHT, USE A WHOLE BOTTLE OF_** EXPENSIVE **_HAIR GEL EVERY _STINKING_ DAY AND GO AROUND WEARING ALMOST _NOTHING_!"

"BLEEEEEP!!"

"BLEEEEEEP!!"

_**O.O**_

As they knew a physical fight was futile, both paused to think of more pwnful insults, but their stomachs interrupted them. Somehow, they stood in the kitchen together, cooperating and trying to understand the magic of the rice cooker.

"Skip_ this, you_ do it!" A frustrated Hidan left the kitchen.

"Then I'll only make enough for myself and you'll starve!" Kakuzu couldn't get it working, but that didn't matter: the rice cooker, and the house, and everything in it - well, it was all free!

"Bleep you!"

"Thanks, you too!"

….

-Back to Pein and Konan's place-

"Yeah, I'm sure they'll all be fine," Konan carried two mugs of coffee over to the table (The type of coffee was Kona. Konan and Kona coffee go well together).

"Really? If you say so…"

Pein took a sip of the coffee and immediately spat it out. "Konan?!"

She looked at him with worry. "What is it??"

"Don't put hand lotion on in the mornings if you're going to make coffee with a filter from yourself!"

"Sorry!"

POOF

Standing before Pein and Konan were seven hungry Akatsuki members.

"Oh, my…" Konan sighed.

The day before, in Konoha itself, fresh-out-of-the-academy Mio Waru set out to sell Girl Scout Cookies from the Kunoichi Tracker organization as a D-rank mission from the Hokage to raise money for the village. Mio was incredibly confused when she glanced at the boxes sitting in her home…for miraculously, they retained the name of the real-world cookie ("Girl Scouts" don't exist in Konoha!) even though they were supposed to be Kunoichi Tracker cookies!

Several people decided to buy them; of course, Chouji Akimichi bought the most.

-back to the present-

Mio scurried to the Hokage as soon as she woke up with the list of buyers and quantities.

"Miss Waru…" the Third Hokage laid a hand on her shoulder, "I'd like to sign you up for another mission. One of the other Kunoichi Tracker groups all fell ill with some contagious disease, and they were the ones who would go around the outskirts of the Fire Country and arrive at all of the houses outside of Konoha."

"There are houses outside of Konoha, still in our country?"

"Yes. They belong to special people like bird-watchers and maybe elderly Aburames that would love the peace and quiet for their work. Also living there are a few messenger ANBU – and you know how they love sweets!"

Somehow fascinated with this new discovery, Mio nodded and grabbed her checklist and several bags stuffed with cookie boxes. "I'm off!!"

She ran and ran to the gates of Konoha, eventually finding a side path she never noticed before that forked several times. Mio chose random paths until she arrived at a decent-sized house, of which she rang the doorbell.

"Who's that?" Konan was about to stand up and answer the door, but Pein offered to answer it instead.

"Aww, stupid leader, you said that no one would ever find this place!!" Hidan whined.

"Maybe it's Zetsu, hmm?" Deidara pondered. "He couldn't find a solitary ANBU to eat?"

Pein opened the door only to see a familiar face. Mio gasped.

"OMG MY BFF PEIN!!"

"OMFG I DON'T WANT A MASSAGE!!" Pein backed up a few steps as she marched through the door.

"I'm here to ask a question!"

Everyone twitched as they remembered her as the girl who randomly poked them and then decided to offer them free massages. She always managed to find their hideouts…

"Do _you _want _**Girl Scout cookies**_?!" Mio lifted up the bags in her arms.

"Sure! They go great with Kona coffee!" Konan cheered.

"How dare you trick her with your too-cheery smile!" Pein entered denial. "I DO NOT WANT ANY COOKIES! HHAHAHAHA!" -makes it rain on Mio's head-

"Awww!!" Mio cried.

Hidan hit Pein on the head with the butt of his scythe. "What the yo?! It's food! I'll take it!!"

"Well, you can't just take it," Mio shook her head to get some of the water off; "They cost six billion dollars per box. Oh wait, that was a typo. They cost six dollars a box."

Kakuzu looked at Mio in awe; his eyes sparkled, and there seemed to be little invisible hearts floating around his head. While the other starving members bought several boxes each, Kakuzu never took his eyes off of her.

"Girl Scout Cookies…you mean…from the Kunoichi Tracker organization?" he asked her.

"Yup!"

"And you can rip people off that much?! SIX DOLLARS each?!"

Mio paused. "Rip people off?"

Kakuzu rubbed his hands together and smirked maliciously…He stole Mio's bags of boxes before the others were done buying them, and vanished into the distance.

"KAKUZU!" Kisame yelled, "GET BACK HERE!"

A few moments later, Kakuzu stormed over to the house in a Kunoichi Tracker uniform and even _more_ bags. The Akatsuki couldn't believe what they were seeing.

"Do _you _want _**Girl Scout cookies**_?!" he exclaimed.

Realizing their hunger, everyone put the strange sight aside and bought some from Kakuzu. He sat in the living room, counting his cash and eating the (free) cookies he didn't sell. Win-win!

"Kisame?" Itachi asked from the kitchen.

"Yeah?" he responded.

"Where is the box of cookies I bought?"

"Right in front of you on the table."

Itachi felt around for the box. He was so close, but…he still couldn't find it.

"To the left!" Kisame guided him. Itachi still couldn't find the box and was growing incredibly impatient. "MANGEKYO SHARINGAN!" he announced and used his attack on the table. Soon, the table was brought to the Tsukuyomi world where he could actually see, and there, he found the box. He switched back to the real world and now had no trouble finding it…the cost was, his case of blindness got worse.

"Uggh," Kisame sighed, "Putting his life at risk for cookies…"

Tobi, somehow perfectly healed from his injuries before, handed Mio a box of cookies.

"Huh?" she asked.

"Can I buy it?" he begged her, longingly staring at the box.

"But you just had it before!"

"But I didn't pay for it!"

"Too honest for your own good…" Mio accepted Tobi's money and gave him the box. Hearts stearted forming around Tobi's head.

"Mio-chan?" he took one sleeve of cookies out of the box.

"What now?"

"Let's share them!!"

"I have a better idea!"

Before the Akatsuki knew it, Mio and Tobi were sitting on the floor, playing tic-tac-toe with dark-colored Thin Mints™ and light-colored shortbread cookies…so the rest of the Akatsuki got an idea.

They gathered 'round the kitchen table and started playing Poker with cookies for chips, so (as hungry as they were) the winner got to eat the humungous stash of cookies he earned by the end of the game. Konan created the playing cards with paper from her hands and Kakuzu joined in _instantly_.

Speaking of Kakuzu, he found a liking for and joined the Kunoichi Tracker organization: looking forward to that one special time every year when he'd get to rip people off by selling cookies.

Hidan was one of the first people he made sure to rip off.

Deidara was inspired to create a new clay model to use for attack: the clay cookie! The enemy would be fooled and take a bite, then, while the cookie is still right up next to their faces, the cookie would explode.

Sasori vowed to never eat a cookie again, as a precaution for this new invention of his Akatsuki partner.

Last but not least, Kisame made sure to always hand Itachi the box of cookies as quickly as possible – before he decides to use his Mangekyo on an inanimate object.

And thus is the tale of how the Akatsuki fell in love with Girl Scout Cookies.

THE END!!


End file.
